


tumblr & disordered eating

by Ive_never_read_fluff



Category: Sanders Sides (Web Series)
Genre: Ambiguous/Open Ending, Angst, Bad Parenting, Deceit | Janus Sanders Angst, Eating Disorder Not Otherwise Specified, Eating Disorders, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Trans Male Deceit | Janus Sanders, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms, Unhealthy Relationships
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-28
Updated: 2020-10-28
Packaged: 2021-03-08 21:33:23
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,084
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27243508
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ive_never_read_fluff/pseuds/Ive_never_read_fluff
Summary: Janus had thought that during quarantine, he'd relapse in everything.Surprisingly, as he typed "tumblr" in his search bar, he realized he was right.
Kudos: 32





	tumblr & disordered eating

**Author's Note:**

> uhh.. lmk if i missed any TWs (edit: TWS = NUMBERS, CALORIE NUMBERS, AND MENTION OF PROANA TAG)
> 
> <3!!

At the beginning of quarantine, Janus thought that this would be the time he relapsed in everything. 

Everything that he used to cope, that have scarred him today, everything that's unhealthy, everything he shouldn't do. 

He just knew, knew that being stuck at home, with his family, his toxic, racist, ableist, trump supporter family, while he's gay, trans, and a decent human being, wouldn't be good playing ground for his poor mental health that was just starting to get better.

He was, absolutely, undeniably, right. 

That's definitely a first for him. 

In early quarantine he broke his clean streak (which, granted, was only about maybe a week or so.. holy shit he hasn't gone one day without cutting since fucking-- May 2020..) and he's been cutting almost daily since.

In about the middle but still around the beginning just a little far, he started cutting on his wrists again. 

In sometime between those two, he started.. he won't mention it, but it's.. not good.

And in whatever era of quarantine the world is in right now, his.. disordered eating just hit him at full force. 

Of course, he usually is the binge-restrict type of person, but he also dabbles in binge-purge, chew-spit, and straight up starving himself full time. 

But, he doesn't have an eating disorder. 

Just.. disordered eating. 

His disordered eating was kinda always there, actually.. 

Ever since he first started his unhealthy relationship with food, he's never been able to fully kick the habit. 

There are certainly times where it's barely noticeable, barely there, barely existing, but it's still there nonetheless.

In this past week or so, he was on his shark week (fucking hell his dysphoria skyrocketed holy shit it was _bad_ ) and he binged quite a lot.

Well.. yeah, he had over 2000 calories in almost every meal, so yeah that's most definitely a binge.

Worst he's had in a while.

He usually doesn't go over 1200, and that's a stretch, because as he said, the disordered eating has never fully disappeared. 

Throughout quarantine, he's been seeing times were his disordered eating spikes, where there's just a little more "you don't deserve to eat" or "what are doing? Don't you know how fucking obese your pig ass is? You don't need that, fucking disappointment." thoughts than normal. 

It wasn't really alarming, he knew they were right, he doesn't deserve to eat, he shouldn't be eating that, he needs to check the calories, he needs to download MFP again, he needs to-- just don't eat. 

He doesn't need food. 

He doesn't deserve food. 

He's already so fat and disgusting.

But just a few days ago, he realized it had hit him like a train. 

When he'd woken up that morning, in was actually afternoon, around 12:31am, and he was hungry. 

Or was he? 

Was his fatass eating just for the hell of it? 

Other people need to eat too, motherfucker. 

While walking, his thoughts were all like, 'stop, what are you doing? ungrateful. everybody hates you. shouldn't eat. don't deserve to eat. put it back. stop. you're disgusting. disgust me. gross. pig. obsese. disappointment. just kill yourself. give in. obey. don't eat. fat. disappointment. YOU DONT DESERVE IT, STOP-' 

Janus just sighed, fuck, can they just shut up?

Like, he knows. 

He knows, alright? 

Just fucking stop, please.

He's grabs the bag of animal crackers anyway, checking the calories. 

100\. 

That sounds reasonable, that's okay. 

That should be okay, he just woke up anyway.

On his way back to his room, he remembers last night. How his dad saw him cleaning out his room after almost two weeks of a depressive episode, and while seeing him carry two empty plastic plates out, his dad said, "Are you sure that's two weeks and not just one meal? Because with how you eat, I wouldn't be surprised." 

He laughed, like it was the funniest thing all day. 

Janus' stomach sunk. 

He didn't think much of it, he was just hurt by his dad's words again, he was just overreacting again. 

But, looking back on that moment now, he thinks it's what kicked up his disordered eating into high gear once again.

Anyway, back to the present, he's back in his room. 

He put the animal crackers down on his table. 

He already decided-- he doesn't deserve to eat. 

He'd listen now, he'd obey.

He'd be good.

As the moments pasted, he just stared at the crackers while his thoughts got louder and louder, mixing together in a flurry of chaos and despair. 

100 calories? 

What was he thinking, that's so many.. 

Oh, he saw a mini twizzlers packet on the far side of his table. 

How did Janus miss that? 

He's an idiot, fuck- 

Oh, right, his brother came in to give him some of the Halloween candy he'd gotten from his school, since Janus didn't get any of his own. 

Two mini twizzlers.

They looked really good, and he hasn't had candy in a while..

He pulled his phone over to him, and googled: "how many calories in mini twizzlers packet". 

Distantly, some part of his brain knew.. knew that he was gonna fall down that hole again, knew that he was in too deep to stop it, because at that point, he'd already started.

The twizzlers were 47 calories. 

Now, if he were to eat the animal crackers and the twizzlers, that'd be.. that'd be 147 calories. 

He can't do that. 

He doesn't deserve to eat, to do that. 

It'll make him fat, if he eats that he shouldn't eat anything later but he's basically forced to have dinner with his family so he can only purge that, but purging wouldn't be enough, not this time, 147 is so many-

147, which is basically 150, which might as well be 200, and that would be 250 and 250 would be 300 and fuck that's already so many fucking calories, numbers, fuck, why did he have to start thinking about the numbers, fuck he knows it's bad, he shouldn't, he shouldn't-

He shouldn't eat.

He doesn't deserve to eat.

He put the twizzlers down, and he slowly, so slowly, typed in "tumblr". 

Tumblr was where he first got his first lists of things to do, under the 'pro-ana' or 'ana-tips' tags last year.

He deleted Tumblr because he'd wanted to stop that, he was slowly eating better and it triggered him to see that stuff in his dash.

But now? 

He typed in, "tumblr.com", and logged back into his account.

**Author's Note:**

> look ok i don't wanna talk abt it-- but this is basically an autobiography of how my yesterday went-- 
> 
> ANYWAY, if EDs are your thing, you wanna see more of them, come back to my account in a couple days, because there should be one named "tumblr's little eating disorder" that's a song fic of My Bestfriend Ana


End file.
